One Month Old

 

Happy Retirement Mom!

Congratulations to my incredible Mother on her retirement! Today as we celebrate my mom's retirement from the workforce I want to share a few of the valuable lessons she has gifted me along the way. 

First and foremost, be independent! Don't ever rely on another human to care for you and meet your financial needs, even in a relationship, both people need to be able to manage themselves independently, having a partner is just a bonus.  

Life is not fair, things will seem unjust, this does not mean you quit. I remember my mother once being in a position in her career where her title was taken away and given to the spouse of the owner of the company for no apparent reason. I felt angry about this seemingly unfair change! I remember thinking that I don't think I could have stayed with that company let alone worked next to those people every day, and trained in my own boss! My mom stayed and held her head up high. She trained in her new supervisor, and never missed a beat. I will never forget the lesson I learned from watching her navigate that experience. Leaving just because things are tough is the easy way out. Working through those emotions, and coming out stronger on the other side is the kind of character every employer wants on their team. You only cheat yourself when you quit. Moments like this impacted me profoundly as a young woman starting my career. 

Work ethic is everything! My mother has been the most incredible role-model for myself and my family in regards to work ethic. I don't know that anything came easy for her, she's never had a hand out, or received anything she didn't work her tail off to earn. My mom raised three kids while working nights, weekends, 1st shift, 2nd shift, and 3rd shift throughout her career. She used to go grocery shopping sometimes at 2 or 3 in the morning because it was the only time she had available. She was always willing to make the tough decisions for the best interest of her family. My mom went back to college and finished her degree from St. Catherine's University while working full time, and having three kids in school and sports. She fulfilled her life-long dream of becoming a social worker, and spent the last part of her career dedicated to human services. 

I am blessed to have had such a wonderful role-model. Thank you mom for all of the gifts of wisdom you have passed on to me throughout your journey. Looking forward to watching you enjoy your retirement! 

Don't let your loyalty become your slavery.

I made it! I am about five months post discovery day.  

I can vividly remember every detail of the day, what I was eating, how I was feeling. The lunch I had packed for him the night before he had left with her. I remember folding his laundry while I found out he was taking her to breakfast and to the park. I remember calling his work where he was supposed to be that day. I remember the denial. I remember talking to her on the phone and listening to her as she said, "I guess it was wrong". I remember him making me feel crazy. I remember feeling my life slip away. I remember him telling me he loved me the night before, kissing me, and telling me he had never been happier. It was traumatic for me. 

In my eyes, our relationship was forever. There was nothing I wouldn't have done for that man. My loyalty to him became my slavery post break up. Trust me, I tried to convince him to stay, to go to therapy, I was open to anything, just for a chance at repairing what he felt was broken. But by the time I had found out about the cheating, he was already gone, he had created a fantasy life with her . In the fantasy he was a father figure to her children, they would go on bike rides to the park, and they would build the life we had dreamed of together. Three days after D-day, I gave him a hug as he left on a date with the other woman. I kissed him on the cheek and told him to have a good night. STRENGTH IS MY MIDDLE NAME. I needed to recognize that I deserved much more than to wait around for him. 

He asked me to start dating other people almost right away. He did not want me sitting alone, further contributing to his guilt. I reluctantly agreed only to find friendship with the most kind and compassionate man. He has held my hand through this horrible break-up. He has offered forgiveness to me when I make mistakes, and he sometimes tells me to stop living in the past.  He shares his life with me, and loves me even when I feel unlovable. Our friendship has turned into a relationship nowadays and I am very blessed to have made a friend in my weakest moments with a man that was patient enough to wait for me to heal. Five months post break-up looks much better than 3 months looked and I hope to keep moving in the right direction. 

Life Without Love

Vulnerability is the susceptibility to physical or emotional harm. It is the risk you take when you let others in, when you share, when you love, when you dream, when those walls come down, you expose yourself to the dangers of taking on friendly fire. Risky right?! Oh but what is a life without loving and dreaming, and honesty? Relationships are usually a risk worth taking for most, and I am no exception. 

Today, I am three weeks post "D-day", which my infidelity's support group calls "discovery day," the day you find out your partner was cheating. Some days it feels like it is day one. The pain isn't linear. Navigating a break up, and trying to learn every heart breaking lesson is emotionally exhausting but if I have to go through the pain, I am going make sure I make the most of it. The therapy I am receiving is a great accompaniment to self-reflection although sometimes the most unwelcome ideas present from our sessions. She didn't push week one, when I told her I wasn't ready to let go of the false comfort, and I preferred to put off the pain. Week two she told me outright he was telling me with his actions and I was not listening. She said it gently, as she always does, she asks me to set a time limit, to stop letting him back in my heart and home whenever he misses me but I fear I will wait forever for him. 

She asked me why he was so valuable, great, and deserving of love. I could list pages, in fact, I have, notebooks, cards, and love notes, lifting him to his full potential. I have spent sessions justifying his actions, and trying to convince my therapist of the greatness of this man. There isn't a place I can look without reminding myself of how much I adored him. Then she asked me, aren't you deserving of that same love? The tears are a natural response that tells my answer. Of course not, I know what is in my head and heart, I know my sins. I know my dishonesty, my motivations, my shortcomings, my failures, all the things I never want anyone to know exist in me. I know the parts of me that believe I am not enough to be a wife, a mother, a friend, a good person, and while I know they aren't TRUE, there are days I believe I am flawed in an unfixable way. 

In the midst of having eyes for another woman, he let me believe I was worthy enough to be a mother. He shared that I am the only woman he would want to have his child, I found my value in these statements, maybe he does see my heart, maybe I do have a worth to him. Infertility alone is a blow to self esteem, and the fact that he believed in me enough to carry his baby was something I needed to hear. Our first round of treatment was short lived as I had a chemical pregnancy miscarriage on week 5. It is a pain I didn't know could hurt so badly. Guilt and shame, what if I had done something different? What if I was better, healthier, prayed more, was kinder, was less stressed? I feel hollow inside, and I want to mourn this loss with him, but his eyes are fixed on her, more painfully her children, and the new family they have together. 

The pain of enduring a break up is hard, but enduring a break up while healing from a surgery, sharing a home, being cheated on, watching him fall in love, and suffering a miscarriage after fertility treatments, is not just hard, it is unbearable.  When I say this out loud to myself, I am impressed by my ability to endure and overcome. I feel like I am a warrior, sadly I went to battle for someone who wasn't even willing to lace his boots. 

MerryLee

My sweet doll Merry Lee was a gift I received from Darin for Christmas in 2015. Her American Girl name is Maryellen but I love her holiday name even more. She is so sweet and I love that Darin bought her for me. I change her outfits often and put her out for most holidays.

Maryellen Larkin is the fourteenth Historical Character and the first BeForever exclusive character representing the 1950's. She was released in 2015.

Ava Marie

I found this sweet little girl behind the counter at a thrift store in Olivia, MN. I had to ask the clerk if she was for sale, and she mentioned that she was out as a scary Halloween doll. This little honey is not scary at all. She is so sweet, and once I cleaned her up, she looked so happy to have a new home. She is a UNEEDA doll from the 1960's and she is a wonderful addition to my collection. She is a large playpal size doll and she wears size 3 clothes.

Uneeda Doll Company was founded 1917-1991 in Brooklyn, New York city USA.  Uneeda produced thousands of cloth, composition, hard plastic and vinyl dolls that were well made and reasonably priced.  In the 1930s Uneeda was advertising over 400 models from 14 to 28" tall.  Later Uneeda was known as the Tony Toy Company of Hong Kong.

Uneeda dolls are often unmarked or marked with Uneeda inside a diamond, U or UN or (later dolls) Tony Toy Co Hong Kong, in the marking.  Uneeda's slogan was:  A Uneeda Doll is a gift to be treasured. (Source: dollreference.com)

Grateful Heart- Day Three

All hard work brings a profit! Today I am most grateful to have a healthy able body! My body is strong and capable of most tasks on our farm. Life is too short to be at war with your body, so today I focused on being thankful that I can walk, lift, climb, carry, jump, kneel, bend, push and pull! We must treasure our status of being able, as it is likely to fade as we grow old.

Lately, Darin has been working many hours at the beet plant which has allowed me to complete more task at home. I have been loading/unloading and stacking wood that Darin's dad has kept us supplied with this fall. It is one of my favorite outside jobs! I am also happy to load and stack my horses hay, to clean out my gardens, to pick up sticks, and to walk our property with my animals. There is much work to do this time of year, and I feel so accomplished when I can cross something off my winter prep list!

I have always been able bodied, but last winter I fell on the frozen ground when we were unloading the tractor and I jarred my back. It was the only time I can remember feeling like I couldn't move, it was alarming! I took it easy for the most part, but then I re-injured it when I went to pull start the snow blower a month later. I remember thinking, is this what it feels like when someone says, "my back went out"? It was terrible and I was angry! Sometimes it takes the loss of privilege before understanding how blessed we are to have it in the first place. This has definitely been the case for me, I am so grateful to have a body that allows me to work hard on our dream farm.